the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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