I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
the liver wants what the liver wants
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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