Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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