i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
