Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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