Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Randomize