God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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