how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
