I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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