You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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