There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
