When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
