Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
