u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
