I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
