ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
