I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
