Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
