please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
