Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
