I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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