In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
The Olympian is in my bed
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