why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
