your parents love me but you hate me
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
