1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
