What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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