haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
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