so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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