Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
