Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
