i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
