Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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