cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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