I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
