Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
