Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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