T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
