Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I just had sex on a roof
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
