Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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