My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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