help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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