She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
