last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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