He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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