God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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