my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
There are leaves in my underwear?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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