Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
