walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
