im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
