I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
