i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
