Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
