Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
