Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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