Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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