i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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