you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
