I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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