I wanna passion pit in your ass
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
