I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
